Evil Sorcerers Players Network
Bock: Greetings, everyone and welcome to the 30th Semi-Annual Middle-Earth Cup Challenge! I’m Bock Ridgestone and joining me ringside is my colleague and co-anchor, Tina Elftoes. We’ll be your official game correspondents for today’s championship.
Tina: Thank you, Bock. Today is the day when two teams, composed of the Good Team and the Evil Team, gather together and challenge each other on the battlefield for control of Middle-Earth. Everyone is quite hopeful for this. Not only that, but part of the evil team, Saruman’s White Hand army, is apparently gunning for control of Middle-Earth themselves with one of the largest armies seen for the White Hands in a great while. This has all the trappings of a classic match and I, for one, am eagerly awaiting the outcome of this game.
Bock: Joining us by remote Palantir connection is our roving reporter, Perry Winkle. Perry, what’s the mood among the participants at the Judging Assembly?
Perry: Bock, there’s quite the stir here at the Judging arena. I have to say that there seem to be a large number of Evil Team members here; from what I can gather 99 of them. The Good Team is less than half that with 44 high-spirited members. Each of the three major wizards has just given an arousing speech to their respective teams. There’s a high degree of confidence on everyone’s part.
Bock: Perry, any hint of strategy at this early stage?
Perry: I approached each of the wizards, Bock, about that very question and I was warned by each of them how they were subtle and quick to anger. I think these major players will be keeping their strategies close to their chests. Back to you, Bock.
Bock: Well, before this game begins it’s time to remind our audience that this 30th Semi-Annual Middle-Earth Cup Challenge is brought to you by our sponsor, Halfling Mills, makers of Lucky Hobbit Ring Charms cereal. Packed with sweetened lembas and marshmallow shapes, Lucky Hobbit Ring Charms are part of any nutritionally unbalanced breakfast. Just remember kids! Lucky Hobbit Ring Charms are for Evil Overlords, not nasty thieves!
Perry: Tina, Bock, there’s quite a stir down here—it seems two of the teams have brought siege engines. Just a moment ago, Gandalf wished His Vileness, Sauron, good luck in capturing Gondor, where one of the siege engines will be placed. And not long ago, several of the White Hand team also informed the Dark Lord that Isengard will be impregnable. It seems both teams are planning on sticking it to the Lord of All Evil. Now I spoke with the Dark Lord after this, and I was able to glean that he will not stand for this defiance from either team.
Tina: Any hint as to what Sauron plans to do to this open challenge to his authority?
Perry: Whatever it is, I’m sure it will be an Eye opener.
Bock: Well, Tina, it’s 12:30, and that means the game has started. All players on all teams should be in their starting positions. To help our audience follow the action, we have our own Eye In The Sky helicopter, piloted by none other than Dirk Shadow, our daring ace reporter in the air. Dirk, can you hear me?
Dirk: You bet, Bock. I’m currently hovering over Barad-Dur, Sauron’s stronghold, and I plan on following the Dark Lord himself throughout this game. Right now, I can see Sauron giving orders to his followers starting near him. I believe he’s just told them to sacrifice themselves to the Dark Elves. Yes, yes, they are indeed sacrificing themselves to the Dark Elves! It would appear that Sauron is trying to get the Dark Elves to become his Chosen as quickly as possible. This is truly a man without a heart. Sauron himself is now heading as quickly as possible toward the Shire. From my vantage point up here, it appears much of the entire evil army is moving to surround the Shire as fast as possible. The Trolls, Goblins and some Barrow-Wights have laid siege to Bree in the hopes of capturing Aragorn. Other Barrow-Wights and Goblins are lining up along the road to the Shire. And still more forces are headed down the horse path that connects Rivendell to the Shire. An aggressive play! Bock, I’m continuing to follow Sauron, and he’s just now exiting out of a horse path by Rivendell. What’s this? It seems that Sauron has just spotted Saruman. Sauron is moving to intercept Saruman! I can see Saruman and his team trying to escape. They are trying to move up to higher ground in the wooded range by the road near Bree. Bock, Sauron looks like the Terminator himself chasing down Saruman, not giving up, not swaying in his determination to nab Saruman. There’s some sort of confrontation taking place now. Sauron has placed his hand on Saruman!
Perry: Bock, I’ve just joined the White Hand team, and it appears that Saruman was giving orders to his team to tag Sauron, but as Sauron approached within a certain distance of each player on Saruman’s team, Sauron gave orders not to attack, reminding them that he, Sauron, must be obeyed. Sauron was then able to get to Saruman and take him under his influence. All this within 45 minutes of the start of the game! Looks like the yoke is on the white wizard.
Bock: Can you ask the Dark Lord how he feels now that Saruman is under his control?
Perry: I do believe the Dark Lord is mightily pleased. And may I say what an incredible army Sauron has! It would be an honor for anyone, even a humble reporter like myself, to join this magnificent team and submit wholly to Sauron’s will. Why, I….
Bock: That’s just fine, Perry, but what does the Evil One plan on doing now?
Perry: It would appear that Sauron wishes to get closer to the Shire area, perhaps in hopes of rallying the elements of his team there and personally pursuing hobbits or finding out which direction they most likely headed in.
Dirk: I can confirm that from up here, Bock. Sauron is leading Saruman and his White Hand army toward the—wait, wait! A very wet, sour faced Barrow-Wight has just approached and informed the Lord of the Rings that the entire Good Team has raced from the Shire. That look on the Barrow-Wight's pale face is giving even Sauron pause. And apparently, the trolls in the area have captured some prisoners, Gimli perhaps among them.
Perry: Sauron is abandoning meeting the trolls, Bock. Yes, Sauron has just spotted the Good Team heading into the wooded slopes south of the Shire! Since dwarves can’t carry the One Ring, he’s giving orders to members of the White Hand team to race toward Isengard, in the hopes of cutting off any escape by the Good Army in that direction. And Sauron himself is leading people toward Isengard. Just a moment, Bock. It appears as if Sauron has found his Corsairs hiding in the brush nearby. They are now swelling the numbers of those in his immediate presence. Even from here, I can see the grin on Sauron’s face and the look of utter ruin in Saruman’s. I tell you it would make me proud to serve in this Overlord’s army.
Tina: I’m now at the citadel of Saruman, Isengard, and I’m watching as the evil team, with Sauron at the head, rolls onto the bridge here. There’s some discussion about what to do next. Runners are being sent in several directions to bring back news of the Good Team. I can sense…wait. Sauron has just made a decision. He’s announcing that he can no longer wait for additional forces to help him comb the area behind Isengard, where he strongly suspects the Good Team to be hiding out in. Instead, he’s now declared that he will now be taking citadels. He’s asked the Dark Elves who are here to take the Shire. Dirk, is that the Rivendell flag I see amongst the Dark Elves now?
Dirk: You do indeed, Tina. I had the pleasure of watching the Elven stronghold fall to the forces of the Dark Elves.
Tina: Well, the Dark Lord himself here has just told the White Hand army to pick up their own siege engine and carry it to Rohan/Gondor. Thus is an amazing sight! Yes, the Nameless One himself is using Saruman’s own army to carry out his wishes for Middle-Earth domination.
Perry: Perhaps if we all joined Sauron’s team, he would find in him to give us cushy positions. Maybe even rule over some of the subjugated peoples of Middle-Earth…
Bock: That’s nice Perry. Tina, what about the Good Army? Doesn’t Sauron hope to catch them as they take Isengard themselves?
Tina: Bock, there was some talk of the evil army here hiding underneath the bridge at Isengard to catch Gandalf by surprise, but apparently, the Dark Lord feels such a plan is too risky. Perhaps the Good Team will spot them or suspect a trap—it’s difficult concealing that many players under the bridge. Sauron also feels, I believe, that he must keep moving, that time is against him in this game. He still doesn’t have the Ring yet. It’s anybody’s game.
Perry: I’m here at Rohan, Bock, and I can see the White Hand army bringing up the siege engine for combat. It’s quite a sight coming over the top of the hill. There are currently no defenders on Rohan, and Gondor itself has two people with their siege engine. I can tell they seem quite nervous seeing Sauron leading a large group of evil heading toward them with the Isengard siege engine. It makes one proud, I tell you.
Bock: Who’s in the evil army approaching Gondor?
Perry: I can see Trolls, Barrow-Wights, White Hand orcs, Goblins, and of course Sauron and Saruman. Bock, Evil has just set down the siege engine at Rohan, and a member of the team is claiming the Rohan flag. Any moment now, the siege engine will be picked up again and set down near Gondor. I can glimpse a sparkle in Sauron’s eye even from here. Any minute now… and here it is! Combat has begun, and there is no question, no question whatsoever of the outcome. There are a huge number of points here—Gondor has been wiped off the face of Middle-Earth and Sauron has just stuck it to Gandalf, who at the beginning of the game sarcastically told Sauron "best of luck in taking this citadel." Let me see if I can approach the Dark Lord himself and offer my own congratulations…
Bock: What’s the mood of the defeated defenders of Gondor?
Perry: They are dejectedly rolling their out-of-commission siege engine back to the Judging area. From what I can gather, the Evil army is headed now toward Lothlorien. There are rumors that Sauron is pressed to complete his destruction of Middle-Earth before moving on to the endgame on Mount Doom itself. Yes, yes… the group here that took Gondor is now moving on to Lothlorien. Perhaps if I just word my offer just right, Sauron will see fit to reward my loyalty with governing a vast area of the conquered lands…
Bock: That’s just fine, Perry, but it’s time to tell our audience about another of our sponsors here for the game. Recently, the Hello Kitty Enterprises, a division of Sauron, Inc., has been awarded exclusive marketing rights to the scorched lands of Middle-Earth. And as a result, production quotas will be raised excruciatingly high. Workers on the assembly line will be needed immediately. If you’re currently out of work due to your lands being ravaged by the forces of Evil, or heck, even if they weren’t, consider seeking permanent servitude on the assembly lines of Hello Kitty Enterprises, where your sweat and hard labor will make every orc and goblin child a Hello Kitty child. Now back to the game…
Dirk: As I’m hovering over the road near Lothlorien, I can see a very large group of Evil, perhaps most of the Evil team, being given orders by Sauron to sack Lothlorien. There are rumors apparently of one lone Elf sitting on Lothlorien, though I can’t see anyone from up here, and I would hazard a guess that Sauron wants no mistake in taking Lothlorien. And from the size of the army here I would guess that there will be another complete and utter victory for Evil.
Perry: Praise the Nameless One!
Dirk: I can see Saruman offering to stay and take command of the fall of Lothlorien, but Sauron is kindly refusing that offer. That’s a mighty short chain Sauron has on Saruman, and I can only guess at the frustration he must be feeling. It appears that Sauron and a small number of the Evil team are splitting off from this group and heading toward Mount Doom. It’s now late in the day, and I’m betting that Sauron is feeling pressed to get onto the mountain, as Gandalf is known for wanting to assault the mountain early.
Tina: I’ve moved to the mountain and I am waiting for Sauron himself to show up and take control of the defense of Mount Doom. I can see him now as he winds his way around the southern part of the mountain, leading a small group of evil. Oh, I can see that they’ve encountered those same Gondor defenders with the siege engine and, yes, they’ve tagged them. Sauron has killed one of them and taken the other prisoner. Not a good day for those defenders, Bock. Now Sauron is moving toward the part of the mountain known as the Saddle. There’s a worried look on his face and I would guess that may be because of the low number of evil here at this time. We are now entering what’s known as the endgame, and this is always a nail-biting time for evil. Even with everything going so well for evil, Good could still pull off a victory here. Perry, you’re now with Sauron himself, can you ask the Dark Lord just what his strategy is for the endgame?
Perry: I’ve learned that the Vengeful One will be ringing the mountain with experienced players, keeping those newer players close to him on the Saddle area of the mountain. Sauron expects Gandalf to be making several false runs up the mountain. Right now, he’s giving a pep talk to those on the Saddle and I can see more and more evil players filtering toward the mountain now.
Tina: I’ve just seen the Mouth of Sauron and Sauron himself meet. There’s a great deal of relief here on the Evil team as they meet, and Sauron is now taking control of the perimeter defense here. Bock, there’s been a development here on the horse path on the backside of the mountain. Apparently, Sauron and Saruman were on this path trying to get additional information, when the Goblin Chieftan brought Radagast and two other Good teams members as prisoners. Sauron questioned the prisoners, Arwen and a Ranger, but learned no additional details from them. Saruman begged and pleaded to be allowed to take Radagast into service, and I’m told that Sauron was touched and has granted Saruman’s request. Oh, and we have another sudden development here! Shortly after taking Radagast into service, the Menace showed up. Saruman begged and pleaded with the Evil Lord to be allowed to make the tag and sacrifice to the Menace. And yes, yes, Sauron has again been touched by the groveling displayed here, and has granted Saruman’s wish. The Dark Lord is a merciful Evil Dictator.
Bock: I sense that there’s more here than the soft heart of an evil overlord, Tina. Any inkling into the strategy here?
Tina: From what I can determine here, it is far too late in the game for Sauron to sit out due to the Menace and so he is using Saruman as a type of "Menace hand grenade." This will be the last attack the Menace will make during this game, and he will then have no further influence on distracting Sauron from his one main objective: the capture of his rightful property, the One Ring.
Perry: If I had the Ring, I’d give it to Sauron.
Bock: But won’t Saruman be outside of Sauron’s control once he comes back into game play after sacrificing to the Menace?
Tina: That’s true, Bock, but the Dark Lord is making a calculated gamble on releasing Saruman on the mountain. Saruman on the loose will be motivated to find the Ring as well, and it plays into Sauron’s hands to have as many eager eyes open for nasty, sneaky hobbits at this point in the game. Even if Saruman were to acquire the Ring, Sauron feels confident in the number of forces he has that he could easily squelch any hopes and dreams Saruman has for controlling Middle-Earth.
Bock: A bold move. We’ll see if it pans out.
Perry: Bock, there’s just been a call that Good is on the mountain! This is the first such call, and though I can’t see any good here on the south side of Mount Doom, all evil players are sprinting up the hill as fast as they can go. And look at Sauron move! He’s right there with everyone else.
Tina: My sources here tell me that some Good were spotted on the western side of Mount Doom. Evil is now moving off the mountain, sweeping all areas for any Good team members per Sauron’s explicit instructions. They are now reassembling near the Saddle again. Sauron is keeping the army upbeat and motivated. Oh, Sauron has just spotted Saruman on the horse trail here, and Sauron is taking off like a bolt from a crossbow! It’s amazing to see such an ancient evil being striking through brush, brambles and thorns to get at Saruman. And Saruman has just been run down and tagged! It certainly isn’t Saruman’s day here. Sauron is again taking Saruman into service. He’s demanding Saruman give over the One Ring. But Saruman doesn’t have the One Ring—Sauron was just making sure to cover all possibilities when Saruman was outside his sphere of control.
Perry: Bock, we’ve just had another call that Good is on the mountain. It seems the Good team intends to keep Evil busy this afternoon.
Tina: At this latest word of assault on Mount Doom, Sauron has taken off like a bolt of lightening for the mountain. He’s leaving Saruman in his dust as he strives to get to the top. I believe the breach in the line came from the north side of Mount Doom. I’m watching Sauron as he’s gazing over the edge, watching Good players retreat from running up the mountain. Sauron is now calling all the Evil players to get off the mountain as quickly as possible and prepare for yet another run.
Perry: I’m on the Saddle now, Bock, and the Evil Team is assembling here. Sauron is… wait, there’s some confusion here. I’m hearing a number of people calling out that the entire Good team is now heading up the horse trail. Yes, in fact, I can now see a large number of players on that same trail, and they now are heading straight for the Saddle. It appears that there will be a huge confrontation between both armies. I can see Sauron, and he appears to be pacing back and forth, perhaps in some anticipation of the battle. One of the Evil team has just come forth and asked permission from Sauron to tag Gandalf. Sauron is nodding yes. That player is now running up to Gandalf. And there’s the tag. Oops, what’s this?
Tina: Bock, the entire Good team is now shouting “Gondor!” at the top of their lungs. It would appear that this is a signal to a hidden team, most likely with the One Ring in possession. Sauron is nodding. It appears that he has also perceived the diversionary nature of this attack.
Perry: Good isn’t going to pull the wool over this Evil Eye! This Sauron didn’t get his wizardly duties through any correspondence course, no sir. Gandalf is walking up to Sauron. Holy smokes! He’s invoking the Miracle! Sauron and Gandalf are now both taken out of this combat, though Sauron will only be out for ten minutes.
Tina: Both teams are counting up points here where I am. This will take some time, as there are a great number of players on both sides. Perry, what are the two wizards up to?
Perry: Nothing, Tina. Absolutely nothing. They’re not involved in this combat and both of them are nervously awaiting the outcome of this battle. Personally, I’d like to say that I fully believe in Evil’s eventual triumph here, and that I have always supported the goals of the Evil Team. I would like to offer my wholehearted services to the Evil Overlord himself, and hope that he would use my services in governing parts of Middle-Earth. I’ve always preferred Rivendell…
Bock: That’s nice, Perry. Any word on the outcome of the battle Tina?
Perry: Just a small portion of Rivendell would be nice. Perhaps just one building. I’d be a very subservient evil governor for Sauron…
Tina: Bock, the battle is over. Evil has won the combat! I can see Sauron from here and he looks pleased. He’s now looking up toward the top of the mountain, because during this battle, we heard that there was another battle taking place up at the top of Mount Doom. We are all awaiting the final outcome of that battle. I can see Sauron biting his lip, as he cannot join this battle. Wait, there’s a cry from up on top of the mountain. The judges have declared this battle over and evil is again victorious!
Perry: …I’d settle for ruling the outhouse…
Tina: Bock, Sauron has declared that he’s alive again. He’s beginning to organize the remaining elements of his team. It looks like he’s going to divide up members of his team into two groups, each to sweep around either side of… wait a minute. Someone is running up to Sauron. It appears to be Gollum, and he’s carrying something. It’s bright and shiny. Yes! Yes, it’s the One Ring! Gollum is offering the One Ring to Sauron, and Sauron is gladly taking it. Evil has won the game today! Sauron, Sauron, do you have anything you’d like to say?
Sauron: All silliness aside, this has been a really remarkable game. No matter which team had won, it still was an amazing game. Everyone gave it their all. If I had to name those people who deserved special attention, I’d rattle off all 143 players' names! Seriously. But I would personally like to thank, first and foremost, all the evil team members. I certainly appreciated everything you did during the game. I never had to worry once about the Evil Team; I knew I could put absolute trust in all of you. And everyone on the Good Team deserves a round of applause. I was impressed by how well you played. It was great to see Todd play Gandalf, after so many times we’ve urged him to play a wizard. And my heart goes out to Dave, who played Saruman—you gave the role of Saruman grace despite the bad luck of running into me. This game is one for the ages, and I’m very glad everyone seemed to have such a great time! See you in the Spring!
Bock: That’s all from here in Middle-Earth. Be sure to stay tuned for highlights from today's game on ESPN Evil SportsCenter, coming up next. For Perry Winkle, Dirk Shadow, and Tina Elftoes, this is Bock Ridgestone saying, "good night."
©2002 Scott Johnson. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission.